Another rant about stuff

i have an announcement
this week a major incident reportedly took place at sea, during which Colin Powell captured my battleship.
Oh yeah, and we also raidified that stupid North Korean boat as well.
As a result, the North Korean leader, Kim Jong, announcified that he would be resumerating their nuclear program.
A program I condemn, because it threatens to de-salinate the region.
And also because it's a program that has not once featured the Fonz.
But be warned, King Kong.
Like others before you, should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building, then my fleet of bi-planes will have no choice but to oblitifry you from the face of the Earth.


speaking of which
King Kong is small these days man. King Kong is like, 5'10 I like my King Kong big. I like my Donkey Kong small and my King Kong big. I'm old school.
just like the new ninja turtles
i watched that shit the other day and goddamn man
they got all this new new technology and splinter was a different fucking colour

no wonder kids these days are so messed up

Some kid asked me asked me the other day what i thought

well you're really asking three questions there
the first takes me back to 1805
there i was up on the podium
'My fellow umbrella stands.' i said
I know many of you will be astonisherated that the former Iraqer Defence Minister Sultan Akhmed, who surrendered in Mousehole on Friday, will not be charged with war crimes.
But there is a very good reason why the CIA has granted Sultana Bran immunity from prostitution and that is because he has promised to lead us to Saddarm's weapons of mass destruction. What he has already told us about their location explains why we haven't found them. Turns out we've been looking in completely the wrong place.



He says to find Saddarm's penguins of mass destruction my troops must first cross Jezaloor Gorge then press deep into the Fanghorn Forest. Beyonce that lies the Bridge of Kazad-dum and the fiery mount of McMordor where he says our quest will be at an end. Just as soon as we find this Gandalf guy, we're all set!

the second reminds me of the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville.
I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days.
So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because if the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.

I also had a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub
i loved my washtub. I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder.
Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball

The third story begins in 19 dickety two. We had to say dickety 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety six miles.
anyway, once upon a time there was a naughty, dirty little girl who sang and danced her way to the top.

She didn't care who she was horrid to in order to get famous. She even did a nude book where she showed her vixen toilet parts to everyone, and depicted scenes of depravity with young and old gay boys and girls licking and poking her.
When she grew up she realized she didn't want her own children to read this smut or to see her on stage twirling her nipples and grinding with a man dressed as the Pope.

One day a big wise rabbit called Philip Berg hopped up to her and suggested that she should study the ancient mystic and esoteric knowledge of the first five books of Moses and explore a path to fulfillment via spiritual and scientific laws of the universe that govern the cosmos and the human soul.

And so she did.

She set about repenting and making herself a better person. She washed out her filthy mouth and the words motherfucker, cocksucker and cunt never passed her lips again.

She thanked the big rabbit and all his creed and asked how she could show the world that she was now a new and spiritually clean person called Enid He gave her a $26 red friendship bracelet, available at blahblahla.com and a catalog for further merchandise.

This is a true story, and if you don't believe me, go fuck yourself san diego