egadmotherbuttfuck
strategic marketing exam at 9am this morning
i left earlier than needed with the intention of doing some last mintue cramming (learncourseinhalfhour) alas on the journey down i was not as awake as i would have liked and made a small detour with the intention of purchasing some breakfast (cigs an a red bull).
Turning off the highway i noticed my blinkers failed to blink
thats what i like to see coming up to a five way roundabout...
due to this hinderence i was forced in a direction that was detrimental to my mission.
alas a u turn was required, not an easy task at 8:30am in the gong with no blinkers as you may or may not know
i saw my chance and attacked
ZOOM!
ZAM!
cars went WOOSH past as i deftly manovoured over the double white lines.
due to my intense concentration on the zoomzamwooshers i neglected to spot the gutter intent on eating a small portion of my wheel
its a vicious sound when you mount the gutter with such unintentional ferocity..
before i pulled over i knew the fucker would be buggered, whistling away as my last hopes of making it to the exam on time were dispelled into the air.
well fuck donald duck with a big black dildo im not fucking doin the exam i thought
the tantrum passed, i slowly bumbled my way into some side street and began walking.
trudging along cursing the world and all those in it for it was their fault the gutter was there to attack i brightened upon spotting a petty station.
Putting the hickup aside i returned to the journey rejuvinated from my recently acquired breakky of champions/sleep-deprived uni students who get flat tires on the way to exams
Recalling the one time i'd actually walked from the university to the beach side of the gong was of no assistance to my current debacle as it occured towards the latter part of a toga party held at the local brewery.
I'm only speculating that one even took place because i woke up in my car which was in the uni carpark where i'd left it the previous afternoon
Anyway, so im trekking along looking off to Mt Ousley on my right aware that the uni is situated somewhere at the base and i should be heading in that direction.
I cross a bridge, walk down the on ramp to the highway quit sure the exit i can see up ahead is the one that i see people pop out of every time i actually get to uni.
sadly i realise im mistaken as i come out into an unfamiliar suburban area. Ousley is nowhere to be seen, hidden behind some bastard buliding or tree or something, i couldnt see the fucker from where i was and made an impulse decision to head the way i was already facing.
trudging
trudging
trudging
finally i come across a sign
"botanical gardens"
aha
a landmark
i continue my journey with renewed enthusiasm
the redbull can now full of half a deck of butts, a fact i had to periodacally remind myself of in fear of letting thirst take control in a moment of madness
finally i arrive at the campus, looking out towards the coast i could see the footbridge i was on as well as the one i thought i was on
figures
i come tumbling through the door all hot n bothered and not in the slightest mood to discuss the marketing strategies of dominant players in comparison to niche segments when discuss actually means tell us what we told you in the lectures you didnt come to.
so i went on a bit of a tangent, perhaps said some things that would've been better suited in some kind of objective social marketing study that focused on the effects such corporate business has on society today (by effects i mean complete and utter control) and not the final exam of an institution that for the last few years has been attempting to mold us into sellers in every sense of the word....fuck im doing it again..
blah
so thats what happened
i didnt finish the paper in what would conventionally be called an acceptable manner...i went drinking instead...
And drinking
And drinking
and drinking
And then i got thrown out..I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!"
Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee.
Not just normal bouncers either, those big old coastal bouncers that think about bouncing.
They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and fondle themselves whilst watching hotdogs uplate gameshow.
So im wearing a hat, I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!"
I said "what"
He goes, " Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!"
"Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Sydney is if they have their hair cut like yours."
He got all pissed, told me to watch myself.
Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away.
About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot.
Ever forget?
It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over.
Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on how much trouble im having walking, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder.
He says, "You're outta here!"
I tired to say what but it came out 'waaaaaaa' as they hurled me out of that bar.
And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use.
That's a handy little piece of information, right there.
The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it.
I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh.
At this point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
The po was like, "Sir, you are being charged with drunk in an alcohol free zone"
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, them over there, they threw me into the free world thing!
I didn't want to be drunk out here! I wanted to be drunk in there, which is perfectly legal! Arrest these men officer, they're forcing me to break the law!"
i've never understood public drunkeness laws, its like ceasing the production of all clothing worldwide then outlawing nudity..
Anyway he didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check.. where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty.
I made it to "woo!" which is nowhere near 30 apparently, so they called in for my arrest record.
There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep.
When I was fifteen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public.
Perhaps a pattern can be seen here but if you knew Morse code, you'd know that already.
And one DUI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver skateboarding down down the footpath that particular day
And that's profiling.
And profiling is wrong!
Anyway the arresting officer I had literally known, all my life.
You know what I mean?
This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a suburb of less than four hundred people, 90% of which were soccer mums with yowie number plates
*We've met.*
Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
this is my fucking neighbour man
alas i care not
perhaps in first year, maybe even second
but im sorry to say the four year high school extension that is university has left me without remorse in regards to such committments.
Coming from a high school where i received an award for "second place in retail operations" at final assembly to the utter amusement of my friends who were aware of the exact size of said class.
in my short journey across the stage to the deputy principal's outstretched hand i could hear the truth being spread throughout the auditorium, the laughter followed.
a high school where every elective i studied for my senior years was descendant of the social science faculty and all the teachers were cyborgs recycling the same monotone tape each class
lessons consisted of seeing how fast we could get through a puffer and filling the backs of our books with random social gossip news and rumours we could spread in the cut throat playground social scene.
needless to say i held high hopes for uni
i made my decision about my course based on the one paragraph i read about advertising in the careers book they presented us with in year 11.
"here ya go kids, these are all the jobs you can choose from and how many more years of this education crap you need before you get paid"
it was about the size of your average text book and it was presented as 'these are your options, pick one, do it until you pay off your homeloan, retire, die'
governments all "yo we'll start by banning abortion, get em goin again like the baby boomers did back in the day
(see their parents were the O.G boomers which is why there's so many baby boomers, everyone got their boom on back in the day an they figured the trend would continue, hence baby boomers. alas it didnt hence generation X, fittin considering our per capita eccy intake these days dont you think?)
and then we'll rally the boomers to bitch and complain about welfare an the dole and what not, take the focus off that money we blew on the workchoice campaign. So all this bitching and moaning forces gen X out into the workforce whilst they're fucking away to keep the population growing
productivity increases
everyone hates each other
our G.D.P grows .o1% and we move a step up the "standard of living" ladder, whatt'ya reckon Johnny?"
So thats their plan right
off i go to uni, my first steps into doing my part for our economy, get my bit of paper that is my key into the National production line that is churns out a number once a year.
Recently my uni was awarded some haggard honour of teaching excellence, meeting certain standards of the Federal Department of Education.
So proud they were of this fact they sent us all a SOLS mail informing us of this prestigious occasion.
Upon reading this i began to ponder, as i often do, about what faculty these excellent teachers occupy.
In my time at the gong the majority of lecturers i've had have not inspired my interest in the topics at hand in anyway.
Those that are understandable at all times have a tendancy to believe this gives them the right to treat a room full of legal adults like 5thgraders.
I ponder how many hours i spent listening to the think accent or monotonous mumble of an individual i have no issues with other than the message he or she is trying to communicate to me and the rest of the room is not comprhendable (the same can be said for a majority of the presentations i witnessed in my time, it costs alot more to come to uni as an international student you know.....)
such things took their toll
i begun doing my own reading into my subject matters, by that i dont mean the assigned readings, and have since come to many conclusions about the business world that do not sit well with individuals who have dedicated their lives to the cause...
so
in conclusion
im going on an overnight drunk that may expand to include the weekend and various other intoxicating substances
then when i come too im starting something new..
Like making up factoids to put on the internet
- During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.
- In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
- An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
- In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
- Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
- Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
- In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
- At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
- Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
-If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
- If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
- The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
- A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
- A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
- The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
- The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
- Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
- Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
-A cat's urine glows under a black light.
- Star fish have no brains.
- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
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