kids these days...

This one time at band camp there was a major fucking drought.
Nobody had anything. People were living on resin... -smoking the wood in their pipes for months. This chick had a bunch. And she's begging me to sell it.

So I told her I wasn't going to be Joe the potman anymore, but I would take a little bit and sell it to my close, close, close friends.
She agreed to that, said we'd keep the same arrangement as before; 10%, free pot for me, as long as I helped her out that weekend. She had a brick of weed she was selling, she didn't want to go to the buy alone. Her brother usually goes with her, but he's in county unexpectedly.


traffic tickets. Got a warrant. They stopped him for something, found warrants on him, took him to county.
Now she doesn't walk around alone with all that weed. I don't want to do this. I have a very bad feeling about it. But she keeps asking me, keeps asking me, keeps asking me, finally I said OK 'cause I'm sick of hearing it.
Now, we're picking the guy up at the train station...
So this dude gets in an he's all

yo we need some hash man the bionic, the bomb, the puff, the blow, the black, the herb, the sensie, the cronic, the sweet Mary Jane, the shit, Ganja, split, reefa, the bad, the buddha, the home grown, the ill, the maui-wowie, the method, pot, lethal turbo, tie, shake, skunk, stress, whacky, weed, glaze, the boot, dimebag, Scooby Doo, bob, bogey, back yard boogie.
The guy needed it right away.
Don't ask me why.
Anyway, we're get to the station and we're waiting for the guy. I'm carrying the weed in one of those little carry-on bags. I got to take a piss.

So I tell the connection I'll be right back, I'm going to the boys' room.
So I walk in the mens' room, and who's standing there? Four Los Angeles county sheriffs and a German shepherd.


One of em turns to me and just starts yelllin:
Sargassum, the weed of deceit.
Sargassum fish -- mighty hunter of the deep!
What an inspiration you have been in my plot! Your life of hiding, waiting... stalking your prey. At just the right moment... ATTACK! I love you. I hope I'll be a good imitator. And my friend, the shark. Cunning, swift... wretched humans, they're afraid of you! I admire you. Soon, I'll swim with you! They'll be afraid! Oh, mighty scorpion, dangerous beast of the ocean with your powerful daggers, and your camouflage... you have little to fear from other fish. They think I'm insane! THEY'RE the ones who are insane! Oh, my friends of the deep! This day, this very day, I'll become one of YOU! My family! And together we'll conquer the universe!

"....nah bro im straight" i said as i turned and left
so i get back outside and the chick with the weeds got herself a limo from somewhere, i dunno where the hell she got the thing but i got in and she slams the door behind me n jus pisses off
dude takes off n starts headin straight for the ghetto
Usually you want to know when you're going to a sketchy area, like, "I'm gonna see some wild shit, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy
When you're taken its different. I had a limousine driver and it was like 3 in the morning. he's a nice guy, talking to me and shit'. He's like;Where you from, dog? Shire? Word. That's a rough city, man.
And his cellphone started ringing, he's like, "Hold one one second. Hello? Oh, what's up? What? What the fuck, slow down, what? What the fuck? No! No! No! Fuck it, I'm on my way!;
Hey, I gotta make a stop real quick. " At 3 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the fuck you taking me? This don't look good.

He didn't say shit. He just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project. I've never been there before, I'm not sure if it was a project, it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A fucking crackhead ran this way, tktktktktktk! Then another one jumped out of a tree and shit, tktktk! The guy said, ;I'll be right back
Fucking left me. Took the keys with him and just left me. At 3 o'clock in the morning, in front of a project, in a fucking limousine. This was not good. I was like, I gotta look around, find some landmarks, see if I can figure out where I'm at. I might have to escape on foot.; Now this is when I know I'm in a bad neighborhood, you only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, this was 3 o'clock in the morning. I looked out the window, and there was a fucking baby standing on the corner.
A baby man!

And the baby didn't even look scared, he was just standing there. And it made me sad you know, because I wanted to help the baby. I was like, "Mm mm I don't trust you either, click! clllick! The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that shit. where's this limo driver?
As time goes by I start feeling worse, I was like, What the hell is wrong with me, I'm scared of a baby! But this baby could be in trouble, he may need my help. I gotta do something." But I wasn't gonna get out of the car. I'm serious, man. I just cranked the window open a little bit. ";Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the fuck are you doing up? The baby says, "I'm selling weed, bitch!'
...i sat shocked for a second then yelled ";Stop selling weed man, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you.
He goes, Fuck you, bitch. I got kids to feed!


Kids these days man
definitely got some lip on em..

Anyway
the next day at band camp we're playing away the next day

i was on the tubamaba
word
and this bozo fuck trianglist gets up and just starts yellin at the top of his voice
"i'd like to thank everyone for having me here tonight, its such an honour after all these years to finally be acknowledged.
And now, on with the award

The nominees are... Buck Naked. Buck Naked is nominated for getting his best friend's girlfriend, Chesty Laroo pregnant, then tricking his best friend into raising the little bastard.
The next nominee is... Raw Pull. Raw Pull is nominated for calling the cops on his drug-dealing neighbors, not because it was the right thing to do, but just 'cause he was jealous of all the money they was makin'.
And the final nominee is... Silky Johnston. Silky Johnston is nominated for calling in a bomb threat at the Special Olympics.
And the winner is...."
"Hey Bobby man what the fuck are you talkin about?" questions a guitarist to his left

All of a sudden up jumps the camp director

"You come into camp, rent my lot, within six hours you blow in a guy's eye with Wild Bill Hickok backin' your play. Next day, I'm supposed to sell you the lot, put you in business, without askin' who the fuck you are or what the fuck you're doin' here?"
"jesus christ what the hell did he just say?"

people have stopped playing at are staring alternately at bobby the triangle player and the camp director who now seem to be engaged in a deep conversation, though as far as i could tell they were both covering different topics oblivious to the constant changes

" What about the time I chipped my tooth on the bathroom urinal? What the FUCK is so comical about that!" piped bobbytriangle

"WHAT is up Satan's ass? All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dicklicker! The lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now he could of easily have said, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain... Why would you FUCK with me?" I'm the only preacher with the fucking balls, and you know this, to say, "Satan I damn thee, you shit-eating, cock-sucking, mother-fucking son of a b!" Can I get a fuckin' a?" was the reply of the director

"holy shit dude someone's put acid in the punch again"

"oh shit............cool"

1st year bandmembers began to scatter in a mad panic whilst the rest of us sat back in agreeance with the above sentiments

meanwhile bobbytriangle and campdic are still spouting random thoughts at each other

"One of the weird things Houdini discovered is that some of these mediums actually slip into believing their own bullshit. They forget their own misses, or as John Edward, THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE, does, rewrite them as hits that we're just not able to recognize. Cold reading can be done accidently. That doesn't mean the psychic is a better person. Lying to themselves does not make lying to others ok. It can make intellectually lazy scumbags more convincing and dangerous. But even if these fucks know they're just making shit up and pushing people's buttons, they tell themselves, "At least I'm comforting the bereaved." WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY TO DECIDE THAT LYING ABOUT THE UNIVERSE AND A DEAD LOVED ONE IS WHAT THE BEREAVED NEEDS? That's condescending BULLSHIT!"

"Sick fuck. What the fuck's wrong with this country? In the old days, murder was murder. You killed someone, it was business. You sure as Christ didn't eat them."

"I've dealt with your damm advances for years now, and I'm sick of it! I'm sick of it, I'm straight, okay? You ever hear of sexual harassment? Ever hear of that? What do you take me for, I'm a punkass? Fuck you man, fuck you! [at this point campdic stood up and threw his whistle at b-triangle, it was awsome, like powersauce awsome] I can't believe this! I had shit to do today!"

"Seriously, is this the only part of the sketch I'm in? I spent an hour and 15 minutes in traffic getting here, it was great that I was in a Benz but this is horse shit! Oh, fuck you! You know what? I'm going home! Yeah, you can kiss my ass! I was in Garfield, you motherfucker!"

"The country runs better with a good looking man in the White House. I mean, look what happened with Nixon; no one wanted to fuck him, so he fucked everyone."

this was beginning to become a bit much for a few of us so we ventured outside into the woods for a bit of a wander
i can here Tim the trumphet man up ahead talking in an ironically profound tone considering the topic
"It's like when you have an orgasm on your own. Lyin there watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken, lonly night in SoHo. And you're lyin there, everything is really great. You're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images. Everything seems so right, then Ppett. Bingo! You wake up. You're lyin there sweatin, despreatly lookin for the tissue, which you just know is still in your pocket. And the remote control which is somewhere on the floor. It's like walkin in on yourself. You know, and hey man what the fuck are you two doing?'

i looked down to see two lads merrily jibbering away
"Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?"

"Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the ass with a big rubber dick! And then break it off and beat him with it!"

Sometimes my juices start to flow and I feel like a nymphoid barbarian in dinosaur hell ya know.
Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug, uh, regime to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber.
i mean afterall sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, he eats you.
but just look at George Washington Carver who made the first computer!
Out of a peanut!
A PEA-NUT!
too many Soul Train reject's with a Robin Hood complex thats the problem goddam it
What the Fuck?
Chief!
I've never seen these bitches in my agent classes!
I'm still paying the loans off, man!
I sleep on a pissy mattress!
I ain't got good food to eat!
I borrow money for my Weed!
You see what's happening, don't you? How we're being corrupted by their hipper-than-thou fashion and cool slang you can't help but use?
great odins raven something must be done!
and they've done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.
I would like to extend to you all an invitation to the pants party
coz son of a bee sting i love carpet
and i love lamp, i love lamp!






I ate fiberglass insulation.
It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said